what kind of day ?

today , is the first day of school reopen .
i didnt do anything in school .
just dreaming or thinking , im not sure .

what happen to me ?
what happen to us ?
what happen to the past ?

i just dont understand .
im such a stupid bitch now...

why did i had this kind of reaction ?
why do i have this kind of feeling ?
why am i crying so hard ?

am i still the old Tan Xin Yee ?

where did the confidence went to ?
where did the bravery went to ?
where did the hard working cells went to ?
where did the smart brain went to ?

why did i treat everyone that badly ?
where did the caring me went to ?
what have i done to everyone ?

friends , family and strangers .

sometimes i just wish one day when i feel asleep , i wont wake up anymore .
so that i will stop hurting everyone .

too many questions ,
too little time for me to find out the answers .
will these questions be answered ?
i think no...

the end of 1 week holiday

18 . 3
on the way to breakfast , had a small accident .
hate that stupid indian , brainless !
its his fault but scold my parents . wtf .

dont remember wat i did for the day edi .
stay at home ? think so...

19 . 3
went to MCD for lunch .
after that , cancel the plan to Penang and headed to Jusco Bandar Perda . and wat i remember is that its so boring .

20 . 3
went to meet my besties in KFC then went to chor huey's house .
chat with them for only 3 and half hours . its just not enough !
i really love chating and spending time with them .

21 . 3
went to Pacific cuz dad wanna buy things for his laptop and mom wanna buy com games .
after that to Sunway cuz Logan kor wan us to buy the newest Sony camera but we didnt make it .
nothing to do there so we went to Starbucks and spend our time there .


















there is a flower exabition and its kinda nice .
22 . 3
im goin to stay at home and finish all the homeworks . like wat chuanmelon says , last day of holiday is homework day .

packed holiday

at last , im free to update my blog .

13 . 3
shu jun and jun jie cook spaghetti for me ! haha
so nice ! XD
after school , stay late for meeting .
accompany chuanmelon then went back to cha jou's house .

14 . 3
wake up early , cycle to cha jou's house .
ate breakfast there , fetch pei huan and go to school for station game .
the hapi part is after everyone is back and only a few of us stay in the canteen . ^^
stay in school until 3.30 , then went back to cha jou's house .
chit - chat and sleep there . haha
6.30 only went back home .
reach home sleep . wake up to have dinner then sleep again .

15 . 3
wake up at 9am .
scars on my legs and hands . well , its station game .
around 11 , pei huan n cha jou came to fetch me .
have lunch in Jawi then went to Jusco Bandar Perda .
after Nicholas left , went to Ichiban Ramen for... dinner ? btw , its 3.30 pm .


then , shop for a while and went back by Rapid .

16 . 3
went for stem bath in the afternoon .

dinner , BBQ chicken in sunway carnival .
supper , MCD in auto city .
nothing much but still feel tired .

17 . 3
just stay at home and did nothing .

big surprise . ^^

today got a big surprised from xoxo Bang . thank you ! ^^
i really love everything that all of u have done for me .

thx Honey for the 龟苓膏 . i really like it . hehe~ enough sweet oo..
thx Darling for the heart ! haha ! noe u spend a lot of time on it ! XD
thx Dear for buying me JJ's album ! haha ! original leh... not like last time , pirate de.. hahah
thx Baby for making me smile . =] its a lot to me .
thank YOU !
Alex , i should thank u too ... cuz if u din accompany me , i think i will stand there n cry .
if not for all of u , i think im crying hard in my bed now.

what kind of fucking result i get ?
BM : 55 .
SN : 82 .
i really cant imagine what kind of placing will i get .
im just so disappointing .
this stupid result make me cant eat . cant do anything without thinking about it . din go to piano lesson and just sleep for the whole day .
i hate this kind of me . just noe how to cry...

tired .

im tired ... maybe because i still cant dissolve everything cj told me .

today's test [ i yeterday din touch any books ]
PM - kinda easy , after finish , sleep for quite some time , awake cuz teacher and pei huan is talking , too loud lar...
Sivik - i hate it ! nid to write so much things ... made me dont have the time to sleep .
Seni - OMG ! the drawing is like kindergarden pupil's work . and all the questions are so confusing . *sigh*
im curious why every time seni test , the whole class arent like exam .
well , its the last day , so .. who cares ? haha !! XD

today ...
i think more bout what cj said to me when exam . maybe everyone of us try hard to act nothing and try to treat that as a habit .
sit all by myself looking out of the glassless window , is the only time i can think about these things , so that nobody know , my tears are on my cheeks .

what should i do ? i really dont know .

Surprise + Sorry

today cant wake up arh ! only sleep 3 and half hours .
why ? cuz im stupid . yesterday whole day study maths then still dont understand so study till 3am .

today's test . speechless .
Maths - sure dont have A . god bless me that at least i can get a B .
KH - its easy . but already two questions wrong answer . dont noe what grade i will get .
Geo - super tired ! do until a few questions then start fishing . caught a lot of big fish ! feel asleep for a few seconds . luckily i still can wake up then check the answers , seems like i just simply do it . start all over again .

after school with chuanmelon in library , told her a lot bout her changes between the years . i think im bad to say in the past she was that kind of person .
then meet up with cha jou in KFC just to chat . we chat a lot . about family and friends .

if she didnt tell me those feelings she have , i think i wont care bout it so much .
i never know she feel so strongly bout it . im shock ! i nearly cry in front of her , but luckily i didnt .

i feel sorry to them .

when she told me bout those conversations , i feel sad and disappointed of myself .
what she said are the truth and i should have a deep thought about these . i really should not just take care of some and ignore the others . everyone of them nid my help and care . i should not put too much effort in someone that doesnt appreciate it .
maybe because im the oldest , i always feels that i have the responsibility to help them , no matter they realize it or not . and slowly... i just look after some of them .
i feel like im a stupid big fucker jerk .

i will change . i promise .

xoxo Bang will stick together till the end of our lifes

the passion ?

today , wake up feeling hapi and non-burden . ^^

until 12.45pm , nid to go for my first piano lesson after... a few months .
im scare , im nervous . until i came out of there only i dont feel scare.

the moment i put my fingers on the keys , im shame of myself .
when will i find back my love for piano ?
when will i stop disappointing other ppls ?



after come back from piano lesson , start study . but only for 30mins , fell asleep .
sleep for two hours then paksa diri sendiri bangun .
study .
this is the first time i din study at midnight . maybe being in high school changes somethings .
this is life when its exam week . just study .

one tree hill .

today , i wake up with a smile on my face ( :

then watch tv . then study until 10.30pm , then watch tv again .
watched my favourite series .



its really meaningful .
i love the characters .
i love the conversations .
i love the thing that they wan to let us viewers noe .

will i be like them ?
have my own dreams . fulfill my dreams .
find the one i love the most . never change my love for him .
have the best friends in the world . always be there for each other .

i really love the series . really .

just now , actually now is still . chat with CM in msn .
i miss her a lot .
although she is in the same class with me , beside me , every weekdays . but i dont know why . feel like a long time din see her edi .
i truly wish our friendship can last for life .

simple day . ( =

last night sleep early , around 11 .

this morning , duno why ,
open my eyes and saw the sun has already come up . [ feel warm *smile* ]
have a look at the clock . 7.35 . [ luckily remember its saturday , if not sure panicked . ]
thinking its saturday so close my eyes lor... then a light pass through , omg ! nid to reach school before 8am !
rush to get ready , realize parents are not at home . text them to fetch me . luckily im not late .

im so nervous cuz i din memorize everything . got the last number .
first section is like wat i expected , bad cuz i just talk short .
second section , didnt say bout wat i already think , just simply say watever that pop out in my head .

after finishing , went to opposite shop to have breakfast with kuang hoong . chat a lot . its been a long time . =]
stay there for 2 hours . when reach school again , the ceremony is going to start .
when i heard public speaking , champion . tan xin yee . im shocked ! im like... did i have hearing problems ? well , no ( :

im hapi . really hapi .
not cuz the prize . but its cuz u trust me .

smile to cover my fear .

yesterday night , im so fed up . is study something wrong ? every 10 minutes , she must come beside me and lecture me . make me cant stand it so went to sleep between 3.30 - 4 am . because of that , i din finish all the chapters .

2nd day of exam .

BI - not as easy as i thought , am i losing my best subject ? finish it in the longest time ever . and im not sure of my answers . dont know how will i die this time .
Sej - its easier than i thought , and as i said before . if its easy then i will get a low mark , its true ! i already had a few wrong answers , and its all what i double check . bad luck or pure stupidity ?
when pei huan n i oso finish , duno why , we start talk loudly n sing children songs . hahah XD

mom came home today . her friends came to chit-chat . then later we went to KFC . why? cuz its near .
they are so funny . you should listen to what they chat ! hahahhaha . XD

after all those laughter , im thinking .
will i have reunion with my friends when i have my own family ?
if yes , then what will we chat ?
what will we be in that time ?

but...
nobody belongs to me . i cant expect anything .
they are free , i cant decide everything for them .
they arent me , i cant blame them for anything .
for now...
im satisfied with what we are and im hapi that we are best friends .

^^

first day of examination .

5th .

Exam...

BM - dont really noe what should i expect .
SN - thx to Pei Huan n Kah Soon . i think its easy . normally i say like that , then my result will KNS .
BC - stupid teacher . where got ppl give so high marks for a section de ? one objectif question 3 marks , summary 25 marks . sure die lor...

when i reach home , my mom is waiting for her ride to penang island . she keep on saying , u stay here har, i go n enjoy myself . omg . hng !
afternoon just keep on sleeping . cuz im so tired !
then wake up edi , just study . study . study .

now is 6th - 2am . im still studying .
dont think i can finish everything before the test . why must sejarah be so long ? cant they just simplify it ?

craps .

4th of March .
first two period is BI , then that teacher keep on talking things that im not interested .
so cha jou n i keep on chating , not , is argue bout what should i name mypillow . : )

from the day i get him , i just keep on call him mypillow .
btw , its a him . *smile*

Alex say should name him , Alexander Archuleta . =]
Cha Jou say , Alex Goh Lao Kai [ i duno what kind of name is that ]
Chuanmelon say , 小包 or 小抱 cuz i always hug it . ^^
Im thinking maybe buddy .
or maybe at last he will be mypillow again . haha

then after school , rush to prepare myself .
then cycle to pei huan's house .
she fetch me in her motorcycle to photostat something . haha . i like it XD
then cycle to school to study . that time is going to four .
study until 6.30 ?
then accompany xin yuan go home .
cycle to cha jou's house to give her things .
then go back wif kah soon . reach home at 7.40pm . so late arh ! but i like wor.. cuz went through a place i never went . =]
kinda tired . cuz my bag super heavy . not cuz cycle for so long .

at night , wanna sleep for 2 hours then wake up to study , but my family members are so cool blooded , nobody wanna care me .
at last called my cha jou to help lor.. thx a lot ! ^^
wake up study 1 hour , duno why later 4.30am found myself sleeping in bed . *shame*
wake up and then study 1 hour , fell asleep on the table . KNS . then dont care edi , straight go n sleep lar .
so tired arh...

i feel relax : )

i like how we talk to each other and how honest we are . actually we should do that more often . =] *i think i will be the one that said by them a lot of times .*
well , at least i noe they are always there for me . i really wish that we can always be friends . ^^

around 4 , went to KFC to meet cha jou n pei huan . we agreed to study . *clear throut* we got study lar...
then 5.30 , pei huan went to tuition . cha jou n i stay in KFC until 6.30 . *duno what are we doin in that hour .* then we WALK back to my house .
until 7.45 , get a call from pei huan n cycle to the tuition centre to fetch her . see lar ! we so gud arh... haha XD

aiyor.. let them saw my room . its my secret leh...
gossip a little . laugh a lot . then they went back .

actually for others , they will think . is this fun? sampat !
but for me , im more statisfied then ever . spent times with my xoxo Bang's jimui is the best thing in the world !

regreated .

duno why . today im so stupid . im a jerk !
im sorry .
im really sorry .
im so sorry .
please forgive me .
u r my best friend . i cant bare to lose u .
i know i should not scold u just because of a pencil case .
u can beat me , scold me . just dont ignore me .
and most importantly is dont cry .
when u cry , i feel sad and dont know what to do .

i know i always din treat u good . i know i always scold u . i know i always put my bad emotions on u .
im sorry .
cha jou , im sorry .

talk a bit .

28th
its an unhapi day...
the new headphone is now rubbish . being smashed until like tat can not be rubbish meh...
never had those feeling before . my mind just went blank . luckily i didnt cry ...

1st of March .

never had a birthday like this... the weird thing is i didnt cry... i think i really grown up . 15 edi leh ! should be more mature . i dont understand , im being better n better but u still think tat im getting worse . what should i do to please u ?
the first thing i heard from my family isnt hapi birthday . get scolded in ur birthday morning isnt a gud feeling .
at least when lunch , we went to sunway carnival 's BBQ chicken . i feel better . but its still weird , try staying wif a bunch of ppl that dont talk to each other n give u an angry face . im sure nobody like tat .

every year , my birthday cake get smaller .

went home early . thx everyone for wishing me . apperciate it ! ^^

Alex , thx for ur present ! i like it ! ^^